You’ve took this news very well

Sitting opposite the Neurologist consultant she explained the reason I had lost my peripheral vision in my left eye and having unexplained neurological issues with no explanation for the last 3 years was because, pointing to her screen where my head MRI was, saying that white dot there and that white dot there, and well this went on for a while and then she said this was down to Demyelination. I’m no doctor so I started asking her leading questions where to be honest I think she just wanted to be open and honest with me and said I do believe you have multiple sclerosis but we’ll proceed with all the other tests and appointments to confirm this. I carried on asking about the appointments, in London at Moorfields eye hospital and a lumber puncture. After I finished she looked at me and you’ve took this very well Mr Brown which I did I was calm and still friendly but that was more to the fact I didn’t have a clue what MS was and this was also closure for myself as for the last 3 years I thought I was going crazy for what was going on with me. It wasn’t until I was sitting in my car in the car park it then dawned on me “What the hell just happened in there” I was in shock, I went and saw my mum and dad and told them and they were upset as well but I needed to tell someone, have a hug, get a different point of view and be reassured. That night was a normal night until I got my phone out, it went from normal to on the brink of losing it, I’d already diagnosed myself within days that I’ll be on sticks then into a wheel chair, I’ll never have another relationship again, I’m going to lose everything, well this went on for days/nights I had literally put myself on the verge, yes this diagnosis was closure but that was in the past, I have now got a whole life of uncertainty day after day in front of me with existing symptoms still looming over me, I was totally done for in my mind but I was still remaining strong and was putting on a brave face. I contacted an old work buddy who I know left due to MS and started asking him questions and he was really good and he invited me to a coffee morning he organises for a MS charity which was the day after I get back from Spain so of course I said if I’m up I’ll be there. I went to Spain with my mum & dad just to get away from it all and chill out away from England and my mobile phone which was good and I did have a lovely time being positive and friendly and having a laugh. The day after I got back to England I did wake up in time and go to the coffee morning which was brilliant and a lovely group of people with the support of the MSUK charity. I got home later on that day and thought I was just going to have another normal night but no, I felt it coming and just burst out in tears and ended up sobbing for quite a while, no matter how hard I’d tried to remain positive and kept myself busy, I was not holding back these emotions, my body needed to open up and get rid of these and it did that’s for sure and I even ended up hiding in a room with the curtains shut because I didn’t want anyone to see me crying. The result of this made me look in the mirror and say a few home truths about myself and agree to stop smoking, totally change my diet, work on my mental health and wellbeing and proclaim the start of the Fight back.

The main things I took from this experience is don’t hold back on your emotions if they build up let them go, even if this means hiding in a room for a little while, they say if your stressed exercise, emotional release is key, the other thing was closure, I had a lot going on in my mind as well as in my body and this was closure for me mentally and I felt better for this, what has happened has happened and I know the real reason why so this chapter in my life I can close so I can fully focus on what I need to do now.


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